you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
