Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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