Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
