This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
