I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
