Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
