I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
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I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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