Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
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Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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