I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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