I am puke
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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