I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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