I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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