I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
