Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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