my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
