Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
