he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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