I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
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It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.