What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
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Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
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On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?