oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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