do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
