Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
