Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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