Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
