I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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