FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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