I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
