I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
