can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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