I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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