WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
