Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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