My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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