I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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