That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
