Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
