She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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