well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
