saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother