I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
