There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
