Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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