ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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