btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Randomize
