Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
