i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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