no, he came in my armpit
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
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Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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