My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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