No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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