im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
