found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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