1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
