Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
