In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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