You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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