dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
