I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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