So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
