I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
