LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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